News Flash: Police Protecting Citizens From Decommissioned Train Track

Full disclosure: News Flash posts are satirical news parodies and not meant to be taken as truth.

Edmonton Police are cracking down on locals reportedly sneaking across a decommissioned train track. The 15-foot gap, a dangerous unused-but-clean train track that allows residents significantly more convenient access to needed amenities nearby, is considered private property and trespassers can be fined up to $25,000.

“Even though this train track isn’t in use and has in fact been promised to the city for transformation into a pedestrian crossing, it’s a really big threat to the safety of all Edmontonians,” said Officer Stickrear. “People can get quite hurt in the 15-foot distance between the fences. Much more than they could by speeding, running red lights or stop signs. As such, the fine for trespassing on this small parcel of completely unused land has to be suitably high to deter people from crossing. Much, much higher than those other minor safety issues. I mean, they might trip and break a dozen eggs during their grocery trip. Or, heaven forbid, smash a watermelon.”

Officer Stickrear spent several days this week parked in his vehicle near the abandoned train tracks, warning and threatening trespassers to ensure they were suitably protected from the threat.

“So many people have stopped to thank me,” he said. “They’re grateful their tax dollars are being used for this focused effort, rather than wasteful and pointless efforts to curb thefts, break-ins, vandalism and other crimes in the area.”

One local, who was recently given a fine of $25,000 and had to sell her residence to pay it, expressed her gratitude to Officer Stickrear. “Who knows what could have happened to me there,” she said. “I mean, the opening is totally clear aside from the railway tracks. Anyone or anything could have snuck up on me while I walked day-dreaming carrying my groceries through that space. I’m so glad he saved me from that danger. Now that I’m moving into a new cheaper neighbourhood to rent, I won’t have to worry about the abandoned train track anymore. But I feel better knowing Officer Stickrear and other dedicated officers are paying this matter the heavy attention it deserves.”

Others have expressed their gratitude that totally unused private property slated for transition into public space is being enforced to such a heavy degree. “People need to respect corporations a lot more,” said another resident. “The fact that the space is not used in any way whatsoever, and that it’s been planned for conversion into public space, is all the more reason for us to not use it. People need to stop being so lazy, and spend the extra half an hour walking around it carrying watermelons.”

“I don’t see why people use this space,” said another resident. “I mean, I’m not buying watermelons, and if I need to buy groceries, it’s much better for me to drive to Costco than to walk to my local grocer anyway.”

City officials have announced their annual local hero awards, and Officer Stickrear is expected to carry home the gold medal, the highest honour, for his leadership on the safety of the train track.

“You don’t need to give me a gold medal to tell me how important this work is compared to everything else,” he said. “I’m just doing my job.”

Officer Stickrear declined to comment on the correlation of month-end ticket quotas within the force, and the efforts made to police the train track.